Rainbow

Our sweet middle daughter. Spirited. Stubborn. Silly.

Lovely Gabby.

I have always felt a special connection to our second born. Is my love for her greater than my other girls? Absolutely Not. All of our girls stretch my heart in ways I could have never imagined. All perfect, beautiful, breath taking gifts from my Lord.

There is just something about our second born that I can't shake. I feel God speaking to me, not quite clear of what He is saying, in the quiet moments that we are alone. Me and Him. Him and Me. To give her more of something. To pray more for her. To intercede for her. I don't know if it is mommy instinct, or crazy mommy brain but I just sense something big is to come for our sweet Gabrielle. Call me prophetic, or call me crazy, but the Holy Spirit that dwells within me tells me to prepare, to seek Him more on behalf of this precious child. Maybe my God can see far beyond my handicaped vision.

Gabby stopped speaking to anyone outside our immediate family nearly a year ago. No trauma occured, no major life changes, she just stopped. Her voice however was not lacking in our home. She talked and talked and talked. She inherited a little bit of her mommy's fast talking mumbling gene, so sometimes she would get going so fast you had to tell her to stop, slow down, repeat. Her voice is sweet. It still carries that baby sound to it.

Two long weeks ago she stopped speaking to us as well. My heart ached the first day. I would just beg her for words. Any words. The second or third day frustration set in. Doubt filled my mind. I questioned everything we have done as parents. Did we cause this? Did she need more discipline? It was super frustrating. One day we were driving to her speech therapy (she started going about 6 weeks ago per advisement of her doctor for not talking outside the family) I just lost it. I was crying and screaming at my poor daughter. Definitely not one of my best parenting moments. I asked for her forgiveness later and apologized for yelling at her but told her I was still hurt by this whole vow of silence she has taken. She still communicates with us with laughter, some sign language, and head nods. I know she understands that this is hurtful to us. We are beginning to feel that this is something she can't control. The diagnosis being passed around is "selective mutism." Treatment involved includes not putting any pressure on the child to speak. This is SO hard. Our parenting has had to make a drastic shift. I need wisdom, patience, and discernment.

One afternoon Gabby and I spent some time playing together in her room. Just me and her. It was needed. Some time for just the two of us. Her personality is SO different when she is all alone. She is subdued, and calm. Spirited still but very focused. I love watching the different details come to life in our children. I bow at the throne of grace in complete awe of how perfectly my Creator made my children for me. Gems sent down from heaven. She kept mainly to herself and dressed her barbies in silence. Occasionally I would ask her a question or two and she would nod yes or no or shrug her shoulders meaning, "I don't know." I told her to come over and sit in my lap and I just starred into the beautiful brown eyes of my daughter. I whispered in her ear.

" I love you. Sweet Gabby. I love you."

" I love you. I just want to hear your voice."

" So much I love you. I just want to hear your voice."

My voice got a little louder...

"I love you. And I want you talk to me."

"I LOVE YOU. I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE."

I felt it instantly. The weight of conviction heavy on my chest. My heart open and bare before my daughter pleading with her to return my love. To fill my soul with her affection. And I felt my gaze turn upward. To the King. The Master. My Abba Father. Who whispers every moment to me.

"I love you. I want to hear your voice."

It hit like a flood. We are stuck in a storm. A cloudy, scary, unexpected storm. But in the midst of the rain, through the down pour, God brings forth light. The sun so subtly sneaks in and brings warmth to a seemingly dark and dreary situation. It feels bleak. And sad. But somewhere underneath all the clouds, in the distance, the sky is clear.

Naomi's birthday is today. And a post about our oldest daughter is coming soon. But every year when we plan Naomi's party, Gabby picks a theme for her party as well. Do you know what she picked? I didn't think anything of it at the time except for all the cute ideas I can do with it. You will never believe it. Right before she stopped speaking she told me in her cute little baby voice,

"Mommy, I want a rainbow party?

A rainbow. A RAINBOW. Yes I know somewhere along the line our culture has given rainbows a bad rap. But we all know what they mean. A promise. That God will NEVER flood the earth again. That the storm we are going through will end. That beyond all the rain, all the clouds, a rainbow is there.

Oh my God is faithful. And He wants to hear my voice.