Weary

The best word to describe me right now. 

I am weary. I am exhausted. I am tired. I am lonely. And I am bored. 

I miss my husband, my other half, my best friend,  my source of adult conversation, and the love of my life. 

I love my children. They are fun, spontaneous, beautiful, hilarious, kind, caring, and adventurous. But they are also, persistent, dramatic, missing their daddy, whiny, exhausting, and needy. 

Kids are hard work, and even harder when raising them in "single mom mode." I know that I don't have to work outside the home so I really know nothing about being a true "single mom." But I figure at least real single moms could choose to live close to their families if they wanted. 

I really try not to allow myself throw pity parties. I honestly put on my armour when Matt is gone and I don't allow weakness. If I let it in, then I would just be a wreck. The girls can not have two absent parents. 

Today, however, I had my one day of "loosing my cool." The girls have been pretty "needy" lately. Well that is the understatement of the century. Naomi and Gabby started school this week, and that has been rough. Naomi screams and pulls my clothes. She acts like she is seriously going to die if I live her at school. It is so frustrating. I am trying to be super patient with them because I know they are missing their daddy too but I just don't know what to do. I have attemped bribery and stern discipline and nothing seems to matter. She eventually gets over it and stays at school. I just have to let her teacher pry her out of my hands. I don't know what I am going to do once she is Kindergarten. Beyond all the school issues both the girls are crying about everything. Today at Wal-mart Naomi had to go potty, so then Gabby had to potty, and she had to go first or she Freaks out. Gabby sat there for 3 min and wouldn't go and then I had to let Naomi go.......

then the craziness began....Gabby freaking out....wanting to potty....back on potty...doing nothing....took her off....pulled up clothes....freaking out.....out of bathroom...everyone staring....screaming flailing Gabby.....wanting to go potty....back to other bathroom...try to take her pants down....Gabs freaks out....I put her on potty....Freaking out and almost falls off potty....doesn't want to go potty....Naomi and I sit down on bathroom floor and watch as Gabby continues this ordeal for the next 4 minutes......FINALLY OVER! Then I pick up Gabby and walk out holding her on my shoulder and someone has the nerve to ask me, "Oh she MUST be tired, is it nap time?" Seriously. ??? Actually she is not tired, she slept 12 hours last night and doesn't take a nap for another 2 hours. I think I know better than to take a tired kid to Wal-mart. UGHH! So annoying.  

And on and on our days goes....

Today right before naps, the tears came. Well, more like sobs.  I was just so exhausted and the girls demand my attention 110% of the day. They even fight over who can talk to me first. The both will grab my face and turn it toward them.  My spiritual life (with lack of a better word) has sucked lately. I am just not getting enough Jesus in my day. I feel the effects. It is just so hard. By the end of the day, I am mentally and physically drained. I want to sit and not think, and sleep. I know there is no room in the body of Christ for excuses, or complaining. This is our life, and I knew it when I married Matt. It still doesn't make it any easier. 

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11: 28-30

I must continue to cling to the words of Jesus. 

PS. That was even exhausting to write out. I need to go to bed.